$PHP = 💩;It’s well known that PHP is a dead programming language and that its 22-year-old ecosystem is effectively useless now that we have Node and its fancy new asynchronous frameworks. Node’s superiority is evident because everyone knows that single-threaded, asynchronous, programs are better by default. Faster. Stronger, even. “But Simon! Why?!”, you’re probably yelling at your MacBook screen. Here’s w
