Why (Most) Sampling Java Profilers Are Fucking Terrible

This post builds on the basis of a previous post on safepoints. If you've not read it you might feel lost and confused. If you have read it, and still feel lost and confused, and you are certain this feeling is related to the matter at hand (as opposed to an existential crisis), please ask away. So, now that we've established what safepoints are, and that: Safepoint polls are dispersed at fairly a